So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
