I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
