I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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