I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
