Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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