Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
