This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
