i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
