today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I need moral support for this bender
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
