Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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