These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
