Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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