I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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