I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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