guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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