The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
