Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
