i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
