my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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