I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
