you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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