Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
