Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
