Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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