He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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