i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
