I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
