If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
