I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
