yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
