If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
