The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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