new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
