Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
