Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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