Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
