we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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