Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
