My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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