i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
