Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
