I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
