Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
