I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I checked into jail on foursquare
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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