i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
