Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
