i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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