i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
