Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
