fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
